Testicles, Boobs and Pubes.

At the moment, I’m having my first experience in a blog contest.  I’m currently in the top 5, which is both amazing and hilarious when you consider this is how my blog stacks up against the other frontrunners:

THEM: About 400+ Google followers each.
ME: No Google followers (can’t work out how to embed the widget, or whatev.)

THEM: About 20,000 hits a month each.
ME: About 500 hits a month.  312 probably from my nan.

THEM: Twitter/Feedburner/individual fan pages for their blogs on Facebook/ScoopIt/DiggIt(?), various other social networking platforms I can’t be bothered with.
ME: Facebook (just normal old Facebook, not a page for my blog).

THEM: A page for PR/marketing.
ME: Not a page for PR/marketing.

So I’m a rank beginner at this stuff, but I’m starting to learn there are tactics I could employ to garner more votes.

1. Speak Chinese.  I’m learning Cantonese!  Sure it’s street, and not “the language of the future”, but it has nine tones instead of Mandarin’s four.  Note that I can’t employ any of them with authority yet, but that’s hardly the point.

2. Adopt an orphan.  Zadie is pretty much toilet-trained, and has just started sleeping in a bed.  That light at the end of the tunnel is looming big and bright.  There is nothing I could do at this point to persuade my husband that we should adopt a kid.  Especially to maintain a position in a dubious blog contest.  (He did let us adopt Basil Leaf though.  He’s not HEARTLESS.)

3. Post photos of local hotties.  I’ve got to be honest, local hotties are thin on the ground.  There ARE a lot of nerdy guys wearing shirts that say “No Money, No Honey…”.  Does that make anyone randy?

4. Post a picture of myself breastfeeding in a public place.  Sure.  This is breastfeeding, I think you’d have to agree (with apologies to my husband.  Posting this has DEFINITELY put the mockers on us adopting an orphan.)  Bad maternity bra on display and all.

4. Take amazing, professional-quality photos.  I’ve admitted before I don’t even know how to use our camera.  The good photos you see on the blog are all taken by Joel; the bad photos are snapped on my phone.  I’ve missed capturing countless precious moments of the kids’ childhood when I’ve reached for the real camera only to find it has the wrong lens attached or the wrong aperture size activated*.

*this might not even be a camera thing.

5. Pimp Jadeluxe on Twitter. Nothing could induce me to join Twitter.  I also made a cavalier bet with quite a few people that if I ever joined, I would give them $500.  So joining Twitter offers me only impoverishment, a reputation for unreliability, and most importantly a massive and pointless timesuck.  Unlike Facebook.  Facebook is fine.

5. Write stories about controversial subjects, like pubes.  No.  A few years ago, however, I did write a contentious poem about my cat’s testicles:

Ode to Herschelle’s Hormones
Billy, my beloved kitty, with me in this house from the start
Was run over in June, and it damn near broke my heart.
Apart from my love lying shattered as dust
and Jared (my housemate) having no cat for his bed, as everyone surely must,
since then, poor Jonty had been all alone -
no companion to share adventures, no best friend to call his own
Our house with two people and one cat was so blue;
we three walked around not quite knowing what to do.
The situation was depressive, overall mood was flat…
..and then I was unexpectedly offered a new cat.
Sampson, a young tabby, had my heart on the mend
as I, enamoured, brought him home to introduce to his new friend.

Jonty said, “I hate him, what’s with his lame biblical name?
“Send him back immediately from whence he came.”
But we couldn’t send him back, for he had nowhere to go -
he was to be euthanased before being saved by Jared and JFlo*   (*me)
I sat with Jonty in my lap and laid down the law -
“Sampson stays, he’s your new brother, and I’ll hear no more.”
“I accept that,” conceded the Jont, “but I have a caveat to impose:
“he can’t be called Sampson – he’s not holy, and it shows.”
“I got saddled with this South African cricketer’s name, an insulting situation
“It’s only right that he should have a matching appellation.”

“Good point, and well made,” I reasonably stated
“Luckily I’ve got the perfect name already slated.”
A beam of light shone over the cat previously known as Sampson
as I declared “He shall be HERSCHELLE, a name that’s strong and handsome”
Jonty rolled his eyes and shook his head, was silent for a time -
the new name was bad, and “Sampson” and “Handsome”, well, they don’t even rhyme.
So Sampson-as-was was christened Herschelle,
allowable variations being Hersch, Herschey and Merschelle
And though Jared and I came to love our new son,
Jonty didn’t think the addition to the family was much fun.

You see, instead of behaving like a brother
Herschelle viewed Jonty as a compliant lover
It’s hard to describe in a delicate fashion
the way Herschelle mounted Jonty with lustful passion
Jonty, used to brotherly love with Billy,
wasn’t prepared for, at every turn, being speared with a willy
That’s right, Mr Herschelle was full to the brim
with billions of little spermatozoa that wanted to swim
into the uterus of a sexy girly cat -
but a Jonty would do, in the absence of that.

So day after day Jonty was poked and mounted and ridden,
and he took it like a man until his discomfort could no longer be hidden
“See here, you two-legged tools, I’m really quite confused
“This is certainly not a way in which I’m used to being used.
“I don’t know what he’s doing, but I’m sick of it, okay?
“I’m fucking not interested in this sort of play
“as evinced by my yowling and saucer-wide eyes
“every time Herschelle’s trouser department…er…gets a rise.
“So enough of this intolerable behaviour, I can take no more
“I’m sullied and cheapened and I FEEL LIKE A WHORE”

I concurred, and Jared was rapt, since he was the one
always breaking up a pair of shagging felines, one willing and one un.
So local vets were googled, and with a couple of calls
an appointment was made to cut off Herschelle’s balls
Jared kindly let him give Jonty a final rogering the night before;
then he was fasted and delivered to the vets, soon to be hormonal no more
The day went slowly, I fretted until the vet called and said
I could pick him up and bring him home to recuperate on his bed
And lo! the snip, the chop, removal of one’s parts seductive
whatever you call it, Herschelle came home unreproductive

So now Herschey has no gonads, just an empty space,
and plaintively licks where they used to be, glum look upon his face.
Jonty reclines seductively upon the bed,
stretching his paws luxuriously over his head.
“Look how sexy I am, Herschelle, I’m posing just for you
“You want me, you need me, but YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.”

There’s a moral to this story, and one so applicable to my life.
It’s a warning from Herschelle, fresh from being under the knife -
when romancing the ladies, even those you THINK are sluts,
ask before you mount or you might just lose your nuts.

**

(Please click on the “Circle of Moms” button to the right to vote for me in the Top 25 Expat Mom Blogs.  You can vote once a day until 6 June.  And hopefully I won’t have to resort to actually posting about pubes.)

12 Comments

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12 responses to “Testicles, Boobs and Pubes.

  1. Love the poem and will be sure to quote the last line to every young randy man who will be knocking on my daughter’s proverbial door.

  2. Well I voted for you cos I think you’re fabulous, simple as that.

    For the record, I had a Twitter account, and deleted it. Too many twits on there.

    Also, now you have said ‘testicles’ on your blog, your hits will go up a LOT. Sadly, most of those — ummm…. hitters? — will leave very unsatisfied.
    Trust me.
    I had 190 something hits the day after I published a post on testicles. And maybe 4 people stayed long enough to read the post hahahaha.

    • Thanks Toni! I hadn’t thought about people actually googling “testicles”. Much less “pubes”. I’m sorry to disappoint them. Or maybe they’ll be breastfeeding fetishists and in that case they might subscribe ;)

  3. Love your work Jade. So many fond memories of those cats and the man love.

    Good luck with the blog contest. You deserve all the readers in the world. You’ve always been my number 1 blog. :-)

  4. Mule, you’re too sweet. I have very fond memories of our little cat family at that time too :)

  5. Gave you a vote! Goodluck! Andrea :)

  6. Rhi

    Yay on getting up to #3!
    The blog coming 2nd has the word Brazilian in it’s description… They’re all playing dirty!
    Rhi x

  7. Fun read today. Really enjoyed the Cat poem.

  8. Man, you overtook me by a landslide, Jade! And I thought I had 3rd place in the bag! For the record, I:
    Had only 4,000 hits in the last month
    Have only 100 followers
    Do not have a PR or FB page, heck, I can barely use any social networking because I live in the land of freedom.
    I also neither speak Chinese (well, maybe at a level of a 3-year old, that’s what my bi-lingual daughter is for!), breastfeed in public (or at all), and have not adopted an orphan. This might explain why I’m losing ground. But i DO take rockin’ photos, if I say so myself. If I might be so bold as to suggest a strategy that might get you into first place: if you have a mega-church in the US midwest at your disposal, bribe them with anything (salvation?) that will get you >1,000 votes in 24 hours.

  9. I can’t believe I left such a snarky comment! With tongue firmly in cheek, you know. I figure anyone who can use the f-word in a blog post can take a little snark. At least, I hope.

  10. Hi Kiley! Definitely pictured the tongue firmly in cheek. And I love the snark! ;)
    I am getting a lot of support from my Facebook friends, which does put paid to my “Oh I’m a social media pariah” line, I admit…they’re wonderful though, and I hope to stay at least in the top 10 because I have plans for this blog and I need a bit of an increased platform to pull it off…
    I wish I had 100 followers – I don’t have any, since WordPress doesn’t allow the Google Follower widget to be embedded. I only know how many subscribers I have, and it’s (drum roll)… 9 ;)
    Your photos are incredible. One of the best things about this “competition” has been discovering some great expat blogs, and yours is definitely one of them. I love your pics, and that they’re of China – because I love this part of the world now and plan to stay here for a long time. Out of everyone, and if I didn’t have a vested interest in myself ;), I wish you would win. You’re a legit blog with quality content that I really enjoy.
    Unfortunately I don’t have any contacts at any mega-churches in the US midwest so I don’t think I’ll go much higher in the competition. Let me know if you find one ;)

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