When we got married, Rufus was already five months old. Don’t think about that too hard or you’ll realise he’s technically illegitimate. As if to make up for it, he’s always been off all the standardised size charts. So if that’s a way to prove legitimacy, then he’s LEGIT AS. Anyway he turned 5 in October, so you should be able to calculate that it was recently our 5th wedding anniversary. Or, if you’re as mathematically apathetic as I am, just take it from me that it was in fact our 5th wedding anniversary this Saturday just gone.
To celebrate, we stayed at the former Royal Marine Police Headquarters on Canton Road, now remodelled as a luxury hotel (which I’m not going to name because this will already read far too much like a sponsored post for my liking. Except the bit at the end where I talk about penises. With illustration. For real. You can tell this isn’t the sort of blog that is ever gonna need a “media kit”. I mess this shit up all on my own!)
Of course now most of the nearby land has been reclaimed and you can barely see the harbour from the hotel, but the grand surroundings and racist signage did make us long wistfully for colony.
This is now a public toilet outside the gift shop. Awkward.
Uncomfortable evidence of segregation aside, it was just delightful.
The hotel had 10 suites all uniquely decorated to represent a period in Hong Kong’s history. We stayed in the Shek O suite and it was amazing.
We ate for 82% of the time.
This was a lunchtime buffet at Harbour City. I went back three times to get more of this artichoke salad. A definite highlight of
the weekendmy life.
Dinner at some Viet place.
And a leisurely three-hour breakfast on the balcony the next morning. If you are looking at this going “How is that luxurious? I sit on balconies all the time. That isn’t even a big one”, then you don’t live in Hong Kong. We go mental for this sort of personal space here. I occasionally extended my foot to enjoy the novelty of not being close enough to Joel to kick him. That’s anniversary styles here in HK: revelling in more than a few centimetres of breathing space, romantic circumstance notwithstanding.
I wanted to make Joel a special gift to celebrate his myriad outstanding qualities. One of my own outstanding qualities, as established earlier, is evocative design. A while back I saw a brilliant idea on my friend Rhi’s incredibly heartwarming and entertaining blog. She and her husband were celebrating their own 5th wedding anniversary and she had stitched up this gorgeous stylised tree with five leaves, one for each year of marriage, and room to add plenty more:
Unfortunately I, unlike Rhi, don’t have access to fabric stores, particularly noteworthy sewing skills, or a steady hand.
I thought I could make this thing out of felt; I couldn’t.
I thought my 3-year-old “helping” wouldn’t make it any worse; it did.
I thought I could glue the felt together instead of sewing it; it became unworkably lumpy.
I thought I could use a cross-stitch needle to sew felt; it created gaping holes all over.
I thought I could embroider a pair of intertwined Js together under the branches; HAHAHAHA, yeah, no.
It basically sums up nearly everything I’ve brought to our marriage so far. I have good ideas (my own or stolen – let’s not focus on the details), and I try hard at the start; then I just give up and let Joel fix everything. This is a formula for success if ever I heard one.
Once I realised it was not going to be a treasured addition to our jointly owned accumulated keepsakes, I decided to add a companion piece that was representative of our common appreciation for that great Aussie gag.
That’s right, I made a cock’n'balls out of felt AND IT TURNED OUT BETTER THAN THE REAL PRESENT I TRIED TO MAKE. This is probably my biggest wife fail to date. I just… where do I even go from here?
(They do look kind of good together though. The ambience in the Shek O suite was greatly enhanced as soon as they were placed side by side on the bedside table. Joel thought they looked so good there he suggested leaving them as a philanthropic contribution to the hotel but I managed to talk him out of this generous gesture.)
Most craft blogs would include a template for this sort of thing, but this project is so easy you don’t even need one. Just get bits of felt and cut them out in the shape of a cock and some balls. I had to have a few goes at the testicles. It’s hard to freehand an accurate circle using safety scissors on felt. Sew on the…other part using cross-stitch thread. It’s preferable if you can use a colour of felt that corresponds to the anniversal one, obviously, but unfortunately I only had some leftover treetrunk.
At least it’s going to be easy to top for our 10th anniversary. My current plan involves not trying to make him anything at all and just giving the $3.50 I would spend on unsuitable craft materials directly to him. He is SO on a winner with me!