Today is my eighth anniversary of blogging. Eighth! I feel like somewhat of an elder statesperson in the field, although one with no accumulated knowledge of technicalities like getting sponsors, updating on a regular schedule, or having a defined scope of content. Here is a diagram I did to illustrate said failure of clear purpose. It’s in meme form. A meme is a blog thing. I know that because I’ve been blogging for eight years. I also know how to use MS-Paint like a boss, as per:
What? “Vehicle that looks like it has a beard”? What possible reason could anyone have for searching for that, and how the fuck did their mystifying search land on my blog? I don’t know that I’ve ever conceived of a bearded vehicle, let alone written about one here. I don’t even think I’ve written about vehicles before at all in great specificity.
This chance discovery of a “search terms” page is something other bloggers probably discovered a few years ago. Why didn’t anyone tell me? Yes, I’ve been in the game eight years but clearly I have no idea how this shit works. I just write stuff. Not usually about vehicles with beards. (Incidentally, if you like your bloggers to completely not understand how SEO works, not have a Twitter, and hardly ever update their Facebook page, despite being in a blog competition at the moment where “social media interaction” is one of the assessable criteria – then I’d really appreciate it if you could “like” Jadeluxe on Facebook. Like I said I hardly ever update there, unless something especially groundbreaking happens in the world of vehicular facial hair. On which topic I am apparently a renowned expert. )
Some other inexplicable search terms that led their no doubt bewildered protagonists to this page:
I write one time about the The House of A Thousand Arseholes which referenced portholes but I fail to see how Google linked their design back to a post lambasting the taipans of Jardine Matheson. I can imagine some undergraduate maritime engineering student scratching their head in confusion as this page opened with not a reference to be found to anything either portholey or to do with design. There are of course a few interesting references to bearded vehicles around although my expertise only extends as far as land-based conveyances sporting the bewhiskered front bumpers. So far. Though I think I’m getting an idea for a post on the world’s first moustachioed catamaran.
it was wrong when her 12-year-old fuckt me
What? Obviously! That goes without saying. Which is why I’ve never said anything about it here.
women’s weekly tiger birthday cake recipe
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Mummyblog vindication! I hope for the sake of everyone at their birthday party they didn’t follow this post.
are you fucking kidding me face
The abovementioned face is pretty much how I always look. I didn’t realise photos of me projected it quite so concisely.
nurses cut off all my bra
This did happen to me once, basically. But why would anyone be Googling it?
do they take brassieres off in the emergency room
People are really worried about this, yo.
feng shui where do i hang the large seven piece joining feng shui anamil and fruit and bird coin
Not in line with the door? Isn’t that always the answer when it comes to feng shui?
did a hit of morphine and missed the vein.
I probably would do this. Don’t know that I’d bother to blog about it afterwards.
“broke the toilet”
Yeah I get it. I broke the toilet. Now that’s some bad feng shui. Feng shui-t?
bogan mary donaldson
This is a common one. Even though I thought I was pulling off some pretty classy doppelgangery. Well now I’ve put the word “doppelgangery” out there in any case. Cheers Mez.
cock boy china
I can’t help you with this one. Really. If that’s what you’ve come here looking for you’re going to be sorely disappointed. I can however show you a felt rendering of a CnB.
What is this? Move to Asia and everyone just assumes your life’s all about ping-pong balls? I don’t live in The World of Suzie Wong you know. This is the only pantyline that’s ever been featured on here, for the record (my son’s visible pantyline at Halloween last year).
bad maternity pics
Some other classics:
large flat baskets
pictures of giant turds in toilets (I swear I have never!)
facebook profile pics that are just wrong
does my bum look big in this beard (? You’ve probably got other concerns than just the size of your bum. Just saying.)
prize winning moustache (I get it. I need some Nair.)
piddling creek (I do overuse this term. As in, I’ve used it once before.)
housewife fuck (Exactly. Which is why I went back to work so soon after both my kids were born.)
plastic chandelier for kids room (Hopefully I managed to turn them away from this disastrous idea.)
my wife is a compulsive fidgeter (I keep telling Joel, if he really wants to read my blog, I can give him the URL. He doesn’t have to snoop around with various combinations of my traits like fidgeting, and having a beard on my bum.)
gabriel gate as a gendarme (‘Oo-rey! Someone else enjoyed this as much as me!)
dog what the fuck? (Oh, I know.)
ronnie delulio (The giant of the game lives on!)
a heart inside of a raindrop (That’s just too cute!)
hot chick “cactus club” moonee ponds (Probably not talking about me that one time in 1998 which precipitated me driving to my place of employment at 6am in my nightie to steal the shopfront signage.)
i am in long sentence (Every post I’ve ever written.)
what is the history of political science (Well, there might be arguably more learned pronunciations, but I’ve got a pretty good nutshell version for you right here. If you like your world history captured in less than a page and rendered in crude cartoon form.)
mickey mouse clubhouse is so annoying (Is it what! But Disney is the best!)
giant turd jade (There’s really no need for these personal insults. My self-esteem already lies in tatters around my feet, I assure you.)
what does kandinsky art look like (At last! Someone came here with a genuine question about art and probably got just the answer they were looking for!)
catherine is a giant penis (Sorry Catherine. You probably are.)
dead pigs (Legitimate, unfortunately. Also includes photos of hotties though.)
“massive wee” (I’ll own this one. Unlike the giant turds above which I will deny to my last breath.)
how to calm elderly man on a ventilator that is extremely agitated (I can’t think of one thing on here that would calm any agitated person. Far too many references to toileting for a start. The person searching for the “heart inside of a raindrop” brought the only lovely imagery this place has ever seen.
And my favourite one:
what happened to jade love the life you’re living blog australia
Let me tell you.
She always has her “are you fucking kidding me” face on, is constantly getting her bra cut off by nurses, has a propensity for writing about male gonads, and when not taking pictures of giant turds is busy working on her thesis tentatively titled Engineering Topiary.
She still inexplicably loves the life she’s living.
Thank you, dudes, for sticking around, reading my rubbish, leaving entertaining comments and sharing your own blogs with me. I swear by the time I hit 10 years I’m gonna know how to use whatever it is kids use these days that isn’t MS-Paint. CLIPART OR BUST!