Dirty birds

You know that feeling when it’s the first blog post of the year and you really want to do it up right with a sparkling fuse of words to blaze off a golden bomb of posts all year long, but then UNFORTUNATELY you’re compelled to talk about bird porn?

Yeah that.

Look at this family boardgame we bought recently.

Innocent, surely!  It’s bingo, beloved of pensioners all over the world, and also it’s about BIRDS, those loveable feathered ornaments of nature.  They soar majestically overhead, they twitter angelically from the treetops, they hop whimsically under shrubs, they are so delightful and soft we ultimately make pillows out of them*.  (*That list excludes vultures, turkeys, condors and other ugly ones, obviously, but when I picked this game up off the shelf I thought from the artwork that it only included attractive, noble varieties of the species.)

Spreading the board before us on the table before the virgin game, we delighted in the bright portraits of the friendly winged creatures.

But the problem is, half the fuckers have the randiest names you’ve ever heard of!  Forget 50 Shades of Grey, this thing is 64 Shades of the Lascivious Ornithography.  First card up was everyone’s favourite:

Fine, who doesn’t have a giggle at a Blue Tit?  Joel and I exchanged knowing chuckles as I passed the bag of chips down the table to our 6-year-old son.  With shining eyes he picked out the next one, yelling out “Andean cock-of-the-rock!  I think I’ve seen one of them before!”

Well, two rudely named birds in a row; surely we’d used up our quota.  Apparently not.  Here is a further selection from the filthy diversion:

 

After a while even the more chaste varieties seemed to take on base implications:

                                       

 A final insult to unsullied family entertainment was this lovely fellow, the Hoopoe, found in Africa.

He’s named correctly on his chip but on every other card in the box, they’ve given him a typo – HOOPOO.  Of course they have, OF COURSE!

When the game was done and the kids were safely tucked up in their beds, away from the evils of nature’s kingdom, I had a look around the net to see what’s the deal with avian nomenclature.  It turns out our game has only a small sample of the (appalling!) wider pool, which includes Red-shafted Flicker, Yellow-bellied Sapsucker, Clark’s Nutcracker, Wandering Tattler, Rough-faced Shag, Dickcissel, Erect-crested Penguin, Horned Puffin, Boom Chachalaca, Creamy-rumped Miner, Tinkling Cisticola, Wren Tit, Tit Mouse, Bush Tit, Bearded Tit, Penduline Tit, and Great Tit.

How did this happen?  To a feather, the birds listed there are adorable soft little puffs of rainbow down.  What sort of Unmitigated Knob-end was standing there going, “Ah, look at these magnificent, pre-eminent examples of creation.  I know, let’s name them all after titties!”?

What sort of despicable perverts have bird-watching as a hobby?  Sitting in a deserted hut with a pair of binoculars going “Ooh aah, a Splendid Fairywren” sounds like a peaceful Attenboroughean pastime but the truth is, it’s all about legs 11. You creepy, creepy freaks.

 

39 Comments

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39 responses to “Dirty birds

  1. “Forget 50 Shades of Grey, this thing is 64 Shades of the Lascivious Ornithography” Indeed. I guess you need to come up with a way to amuse yourself when you’re looking at birds all day. Hilarious post. Any Happy New year!

  2. Funny.

    I’d never heard of any bird called “tit” until I lived in England and then it seemed every small bird was called that. I’ve just looked up the comparable American bird names and in the US “tits” are called “chickadees.” So maybe it’s the fault of English male-only, old-school academic culture? Sex on the brains?

  3. Well birdwatchers DO spend a lot of time alone with nothing but a pair of binoculars or a camera with a telephoto lens….

  4. Haha who doesn’t have fond memories of learning about the blue footed booby in school!?!

  5. Oh, you would have a field day with the song “Tit Willow” from The Mikado. It even has the words “Dicky bird” in it!

  6. For awhile when I was in high school my mom got really in to birds and took a bunch of books out of the library to learn the names of all the winged creatures that frequented our backyard. Reading their proper names never failed to crack me up.

  7. Haha, too funny! I also stumbled upon the blue tit once and actually chose to just call it “bird”…
    Thanks for making me laugh (prior to my dreaded visa appointment)!

  8. No way “Boom Shakalaka” or whatever is a real bird name. Someone is pulling your tail feather…or maybe you’re pulling mine! At any rate, I once saw a bird outside a restaurant pleasuring itself for a good 10 minutes. Birds deserve those dirty names.

    • HAHAHAHAHA. What?? The filthy little beast! What…how? I don’t even understand. How does a bird pleasure itself? DON’T ANSWER.

      Outstanding reference to tail feathers btw. I don’t think I’m pulling yours but maybe I am. Inadvertently. Thanks to lax Googling.

  9. You are a riot. I’d probably have looked at that for hours and never thought a thing. I really ought to get out more. My 9 yo who cracked up profusely when asked to spell “behind” would probably have enlightened old mom.

  10. I echo TriGirl. Boom Chacalaka is a real thing!?!? I say that all the time. Maybe I should start exclaiming, “Hooboe” or “Blue Tit” to mix things up. Awesome.

    • Okay, I just copied that straight off a bird forum. I hope it’s a real thing though, I really do. Go on with using Hoopoo and Blue Tit interchangeably though. That would be awesome.

  11. iasoupmama

    If that game had come into our home, my hubby would still be laughing…

    Glad you had fun!

  12. What a hilarious post! I would have had the giggles the whole time.

  13. So funny, it must be a joke!!!

  14. I wouldn’t even have been able to finish the game; I would have just collapsed on the floor laughing. “Cock-on-the-rock”?? I wouldn’t have believed it if you hadn’t shown a picture of the card.

  15. So funny. I used to be an avid bird watcher in my teens and 20s. Most of those funny ones were no where near where Iived. I still like birds but don’t make time anymore.

    • Stacie, what? That is so random – with all due respect! Love find out about people’s hobbies. Bird-watcher, hey? There are amazing birds here in Hong Kong. All kinds of little finches and so on. Sorry, titties.

  16. Jen

    Oh. My. God. I just snorted at work. I’ve got the Monty Python wink-wink nudge-nudge happening in my head now between two binoculars-wearing birders. Oh no, now even “birders” sounds terrible!

  17. dberonilla

    Hahaha! Oh who would have thought that Bingo could be so dirty?
    I loved this!

  18. I laughed out loud at “64 Shades of the Lascivious Ornithography.” This post was great. Note to self: steer clear of bird watching with my 4 y/o.

  19. This post rules the roost! It’s tits! No kidding – it’s brilliant. Love, love, love!

  20. LOL :) this post made me laugh!I Never thought about bird names before and of course you have the “Great Tit” and “Robin Red Breast”. It is strange how they arrived at the various names – I wonder how?

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