Balls-up, anniversary style.

When we got married, Rufus was already five months old.  Don’t think about that too hard or you’ll realise he’s technically illegitimate.  As if to make up for it, he’s always been off all the standardised size charts.  So if that’s a way to prove legitimacy, then he’s LEGIT AS.  Anyway he turned 5 in October, so you should be able to calculate that it was recently our 5th wedding anniversary.  Or, if you’re as mathematically apathetic as I am, just take it from me that it was in fact our 5th wedding anniversary this Saturday just gone.

To celebrate, we stayed at the former Royal Marine Police Headquarters on Canton Road, now remodelled as a luxury hotel (which I’m not going to name because this will already read far too much like a sponsored post for my liking.  Except the bit at the end where I talk about penises.  With illustration.  For real.  You can tell this isn’t the sort of blog that is ever gonna need a “media kit”.  I mess this shit up all on my own!)

Of course now most of the nearby land has been reclaimed and you can barely see the harbour from the hotel, but the grand surroundings and racist signage did make us long wistfully for colony.


This is now a public toilet outside the gift shop.  Awkward.

Uncomfortable evidence of segregation aside, it was just delightful.



The hotel had 10 suites all uniquely decorated to represent a period in Hong Kong’s history.  We stayed in the Shek O suite and it was amazing.


We ate for 82% of the time.
This was a lunchtime buffet at Harbour City.  I went back three times to get more of this artichoke salad.  A definite highlight of the weekendmy life.

Dinner at some Viet place.

And a leisurely three-hour breakfast on the balcony the next morning.  If you are looking at this going “How is that luxurious?  I sit on balconies all the time.  That isn’t even a big one”, then you don’t live in Hong Kong.  We go mental for this sort of personal space here.  I occasionally extended my foot to enjoy the novelty of not being close enough to Joel to kick him.  That’s anniversary styles here in HK: revelling in more than a few centimetres of breathing space, romantic circumstance notwithstanding.

***

I wanted to make Joel a special gift to celebrate his myriad outstanding qualities.  One of my own outstanding qualities, as established earlier, is evocative design.  A while back I saw a brilliant idea on my friend Rhi’s incredibly heartwarming and entertaining blog.  She and her husband were celebrating their own 5th wedding anniversary and she had stitched up this gorgeous stylised tree with five leaves, one for each year of marriage, and room to add plenty more:

(Credit)

Unfortunately I, unlike Rhi, don’t have access to fabric stores, particularly noteworthy sewing skills, or a steady hand.

I thought I could make this thing out of felt; I couldn’t.
I thought my 3-year-old “helping” wouldn’t make it any worse; it did.
I thought I could glue the felt together instead of sewing it; it became unworkably lumpy.
I thought I could use a cross-stitch needle to sew felt; it created gaping holes all over.
I thought I could embroider a pair of intertwined Js together under the branches; HAHAHAHA, yeah, no.

It basically sums up nearly everything I’ve brought to our marriage so far.  I have good ideas (my own or stolen – let’s not focus on the details), and I try hard at the start; then I just give up and let Joel fix everything.  This is a formula for success if ever I heard one.

Once I realised it was not going to be a treasured addition to our jointly owned accumulated keepsakes, I decided to add a companion piece that was representative of our common appreciation for that great Aussie gag.

That’s right, I made a cock’n’balls out of felt AND IT TURNED OUT BETTER THAN THE REAL PRESENT I TRIED TO MAKE.  This is probably my biggest wife fail to date.  I just… where do I even go from here?

(They do look kind of good together though.  The ambience in the Shek O suite was greatly enhanced as soon as they were placed side by side on the bedside table.  Joel thought they looked so good there he suggested leaving them as a philanthropic contribution to the hotel but I managed to talk him out of this generous gesture.)

Most craft blogs would include a template for this sort of thing, but this project is so easy you don’t even need one.  Just get bits of felt and cut them out in the shape of a cock and some balls.  I had to have a few goes at the testicles.  It’s hard to freehand an accurate circle using safety scissors on felt.  Sew on the…other part using cross-stitch thread.  It’s preferable if you can use a colour of felt that corresponds to the anniversal one, obviously, but unfortunately I only had some leftover treetrunk.

***

At least it’s going to be easy to top for our 10th anniversary.  My current plan involves not trying to make him anything at all and just giving the $3.50 I would spend on unsuitable craft materials directly to him.  He is SO on a winner with me!

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62 Comments Add yours

  1. You crack me up.
    I was going to say, send me your address and I will post you a tree! But it wouldn’t be anywhere near as cool or personal as yours. And I don’t have the skillset AT ALL to make a matching cock and balls. If you want to make more I can sell them for you on my etsy site 😉 You’ll make a fortune and can retire even earlier.

    Love it.

    What did Joel make for you?

    1. jadeluxe says:

      I would actually love one of your trees!! Just looked for your Etsy link but can’t find it? Message me on FB? 🙂 Perhaps one day we can do a joint venture in CnB artwork. I’ll come up with the concepts and you do all the actual work 😉
      Joel bought me a beautiful bracelet 🙂 🙂

  2. Tina says:

    LOL. Very imaginative! I’m sure they lightened up those dark hotel rooms considerably 🙂

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thanks Tina, I like to think they brightened up my husband’s whole LIFE 😉

  3. Oh my god. I think I love you.

    Best. Gift. Ever.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Feel free to appropriate at will! Cheers Bridget 🙂

  4. I think you’re awesome at craft.

    Happy 5 years!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Oh Alison, I totally suck at craft. I think the hormones are really taking over now 😉 Thanks for the wishes x

  5. Mayor Gia says:

    Hahahha. Love your pics. And I think your presents are great – I mean they’re HOMEMADE for pete’s sake! Tell him you want to see him hang the cock and balls one in his work office.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      He won’t even put it out at home…something about the kids asking why he has a picture of genitals next to his bed or something. I told them he could say it’s an elephant. I think they’d buy that.

  6. Janice says:

    My 15th is coming up–how about a suggestion? Obviously you’ve got this anniversary gift thing in the bag! (Get it? See what I did there?)

    Anyway, great post! I think it all turned out great. You’re making memories along with the questionable felt crafts, and those are the best ever.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Janice, I did see what you did there, and I admire it wholeheartedly 😉
      The only thing to do for your 15th is go bigger. For example, make some titties? Seems like they’d be easy enough.

  7. Ha! You and I can hang out—big dreams, small returns on investment. Non-crafty girls unite! erin

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Hooray! Let’s suck at crafts till the end of our days! 🙂

  8. mamamzungu says:

    You are inspiring me. My fifth is this year and poorly executed craft projects it is!! Lots of points for being thoughtful and putting in effort no matter how it turns out. Great post as usual!!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      That’s the sad thing, I actually DID try with the tree until more than halfway through! What a loser. Good luck with your own efforts this year 🙂

  9. So this is just the best gift ever. I also liked your line about how this represent your contribution to the marriage. So funny.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      It’s unique, I’ll give myself that 😉

  10. mamamash says:

    “I had to have a few goes at the testicles. It’s hard to freehand an accurate circle using safety scissors on felt.” Girl, I am on the ground. That’s hysterical.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      I’d be embarrassed to admit how many “practice” testes I did. And how much time I spent discussing how perfectly round they really are in real life anyway. Confusing adventures in crafting genitalia.

  11. christina says:

    hahaha wow. happy anni, eh!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thanks Christina! 🙂

  12. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Anniversary.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thanks Susie 🙂

  13. Ado says:

    OMG! I don’t know if I’m laughing more about the fact that you ate 82% of the time, or the cock and balls craft! Ha1

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Dude. Two kids 5 and under = cramming all our restaurant experiences into one weekend a year 😉

  14. MonkeyMomma says:

    Wow! How did you know my 5th wedding anniversary is coming up also and I had no clue what to make my husband! Oh wait…this isn’t a crafting blog?!? 😉 Love your story and the fact that your husband has the sense of
    humor to appreciate a felt rendition of a cock and balls.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      I’m sure you will be amazed when I tell you that this isn’t in fact a crafting blog 😉 Or maybe a crafting fail blog. Feel free to make your husband a cock’n’balls for your anniversary, he’s gonna love it. Actually I think it should replace “wood” or “paper” or whatever 5 years is on the anniversary gifts list thing.

  15. Julia says:

    Hilarious!!! I love vacations where eating is on the agenda 82% of the time. I am also highly impressed with your artwork. Happy 5 year anniversary!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thank you, Julia, I appreciate it 🙂

  16. That. was. awesomesauce.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      First appearanced of “awesomesauce” on the blog – whoo! 🙂

  17. tara pohlkotte says:

    oh, bless you for not having the crafting gene either…it can be lonely for girls with no use for felt. now you’ve inspired me 🙂

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Bless YOU, Tara. Your comment made me smile big 🙂 Let’s get all the felt and BURN IT.

  18. Happy anniversary – the place you stayed looked lovely. Creating felt cock and balls is a very necessary skill, I’m so glad to see you’ve mastered it! 😛

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thanks, Michelle – it WAS a beautiful hotel, and certainly sullied by my grubby gift work!

  19. Ree says:

    Oh, Jade, that’s GOLD … not only have you “crafted” the perfect anniversary gift but also a wonderful and unique family heirloom to be passed down the generations for your “craft skills” to become the stuff of family legend! Ree 🙂

    1. jadeluxe says:

      HAHAHA…an heirloom? Can you imagine the kids fighting over it when die: “I want mum’s cock’n’balls!” “No I WANT IT!” “She promised ME!”

  20. I cannot stop laughing at this one! This is why I don’t ever even attempt crafts – LOL! I have to say, your artwork is pretty good! The suite looked georgous where you stayed, hope you had a great anniversary 🙂

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thank you 🙂 It was a BEAUTIFUL hotel. I should take a lesson from you in staying away from crafts too. I really suck.

  21. Anna says:

    i love everything about this, but of course your handiwork most. and being from nyc, i *totally* get that is a ginormous balcony!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Anna, I’m so glad you get it! I was like “You can fit two ARMCHAIRS on this thing?”

  22. Delilah says:

    That is all kinds of awesome! I’m totally seeing that as a Christmas gift for The Mister! Maybe I’ll wrap it up for him and let him open it at his office Christmas party. Haha!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Yes, the gift that’s appropriate for all occasions! 🙂

  23. Oh my goodness! You are hysterical! LOVE LOVE LOVE this!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Aw cheers, matey! 🙂

  24. Stephanie says:

    Haha! This is hilarious. I’m picturing an Etsy store…

    1. jadeluxe says:

      SERIOUSLY can you imagine, Jade’s House of CNB – The Finest Hand-Felted Genitalia Online. There might just be something in that you know…

  25. suzy016 says:

    so. freaking. awesome. i would hang those on my wall any day (and then wait eagerly to see my mother-in-law’s face when she came in the door. with eagerness. did i mention eagerly?). Good stuff.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      YES! Can’t wait until the kids are a bit older so we can proudly display it on the loungeroom wall here too. Until then it languishes in the bedside drawer and the stupid tree looks even stupider all on its own 😦

  26. Bahahahah this one obviously gets my vote.

    And if the kid wants to know what it is, just tell him it is an elephant eating a line of peanuts. Because it kinda looks like an elephant’s head.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      It does, right? In the taxi home the next morning there was a brief moment of panic when we thought we left it in the room and imagined having to ring up the concierge – “Er, we think we left something in our room. It’s a photo frame with…an elephant, kind of…spraying water from its…trunk…” Thankfully we found it soon after in the bottom of the suitcase.

  27. Oh that was funny. Thanks for the laugh, genius.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thanks, Angela – appreciate the comment 🙂

  28. Suzie says:

    Ah, I finally understand what my home is missing. I need a framed cock n’ balls. Thanks! This post was hilarious, I enjoyed it.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Every home is missing one of these. I hope you get one one day 😉

  29. Stacey says:

    Gorgeous hotel! I would have spent 82% of my time eating as well. 🙂 I can see why you wanted to make that tree – it’s beautiful! And…ummm…so was your cock and balls! Happy anniversary!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Stacey, one of the only people to appreciate the beauty of the hotel 🙂 The original tree WAS gorgeous; my friend is now sending me one, after seeing how dismal my own one turned out. I tried to offer her a cock’n’balls in exchange but she refused.

  30. Great shots of the hotel- you a a great camera eye! And HILARIOUS story. Lucky husband, yours. I bet you keep him in stitches. (bad pun intended. I am good at bad puns.)

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Erin, you would be surprised to hear this since I’m clearly so awesome at craft, but I’m actually shithouse at taking photos and these were all taken by my husband.
      Bad puns are good 🙂

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