Google is an idiot.

Today is my eighth anniversary of blogging.  Eighth!  I feel like somewhat of an elder statesperson in the field, although one with no accumulated knowledge of technicalities like getting sponsors, updating on a regular schedule, or having a defined scope of content.  Here is a diagram I did to illustrate said failure of clear purpose.  It’s in meme form.  A meme is a blog thing.  I know that because I’ve been blogging for eight years.  I also know how to use MS-Paint like a boss, as per:

What?  “Vehicle that looks like it has a beard”?  What possible reason could anyone have for searching for that, and how the fuck did their mystifying search land on my blog?  I don’t know that I’ve ever conceived of a bearded vehicle, let alone written about one here.  I don’t even think I’ve written about vehicles before at all in great specificity.

This chance discovery of a “search terms” page is something other bloggers probably discovered a few years ago.  Why didn’t anyone tell me?  Yes, I’ve been in the game eight years but clearly I have no idea how this shit works.  I just write stuff.  Not usually about vehicles with beards.  (That said, if you want, you can still “like” Jadeluxe on Facebook.  I almost never update there, unless something especially groundbreaking happens in the world of vehicular facial hair.  On which topic I am apparently a renowned expert. )

Some other inexplicable search terms that led their no doubt bewildered protagonists to this page:

porthole design
I write one time about the The House of A Thousand Arseholes which referenced portholes but I fail to see how Google linked their design back to a post lambasting the taipans of Jardine Matheson.  I can imagine some undergraduate maritime engineering student scratching their head in confusion as this page opened with not a reference to be found to anything either portholey or to do with design.  There are of course a few interesting references to bearded vehicles around although my expertise only extends as far as land-based conveyances sporting the bewhiskered front bumpers.  So far.  Though I think I’m getting an idea for a post on the world’s first moustachioed catamaran.

it was wrong when her 12-year-old fuckt me
What?  Obviously!  That goes without saying.  Which is why I’ve never said anything about it here.

women’s weekly tiger birthday cake recipe
HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Mummyblog vindication!  I hope for the sake of everyone at their birthday party they didn’t follow this post.

are you fucking kidding me face
The abovementioned face is pretty much how I always look.  I didn’t realise photos of me projected it quite so concisely.

nurses cut off all my bra
This did happen to me once, basically.  But why would anyone be Googling it?

do they take brassieres off in the emergency room
People are really worried about this, yo.

feng shui where do i hang the large seven piece joining feng shui anamil and fruit and bird coin
Not in line with the door?  Isn’t that always the answer when it comes to feng shui?

did a hit of morphine and missed the vein.
I probably would do thisDon’t know that I’d bother to blog about it afterwards.

“broke the toilet”
Yeah I get it.  I broke the toilet.  Now that’s some bad feng shui.  Feng shui-t?

bogan mary donaldson
This is a common one.  Even though I thought I was pulling off some pretty classy doppelgangery.  Well now I’ve put the word “doppelgangery” out there in any case.  Cheers Mez.

cock boy china
I can’t help you with this one.  Really.  If that’s what you’ve come here looking for you’re going to be sorely disappointed.  I can however show you a felt rendering of a CnB.

asian pantyline
What is this?  Move to Asia and everyone just assumes your life’s all about ping-pong balls?  I don’t live in The World of Suzie Wong you know.  This is the only pantyline that’s ever been featured on here, for the record (my son’s visible pantyline at Halloween last year).

bad maternity pics
DENIED.

Some other classics:
large flat baskets
pictures of giant turds in toilets
(I swear I have never!)
facebook profile pics that are just wrong
does my bum look big in this beard
(?  You’ve probably got other concerns than just the size of your bum.  Just saying.)
prize winning moustache
(I get it.  I need some Nair.)
piddling creek  (
I do overuse this term.  As in, I’ve used it once before.)
housewife fuck (Exactly.  Which is why I went back to work so soon after both my kids were born.)
plastic chandelier for kids room (Hopefully I managed to turn them away from this disastrous idea.)
my wife is a compulsive fidgeter (I keep telling Joel, if he really wants to read my blog, I can give him the URL.  He doesn’t have to snoop around with various combinations of my traits like fidgeting, and having a beard on my bum.)
gabriel gate as a gendarme (‘Oo-rey!  Someone else enjoyed this as much as me!)
dog what the fuck? (Oh, I know.)
ronnie delulio (The giant of the game lives on!)
a heart inside of a raindrop (That’s just too cute!)
hot chick “cactus club” moonee ponds (Probably not talking about me that one time in 1998 which precipitated me driving to my place of employment at 6am in my nightie to steal the shopfront signage.)
i am in long sentence (Every post I’ve ever written.)
what is the history of political science (Well, there might be arguably more learned pronunciations, but I’ve got a pretty good nutshell version for you right here.  If you like your world history captured in less than a page and rendered in crude cartoon form.)
mickey mouse clubhouse is so annoying (Is it what!  But Disney is the best!)
giant turd jade (There’s really no need for these personal insults.  My self-esteem already lies in tatters around my feet, I assure you.)
what does kandinsky art look like (At last!  Someone came here with a genuine question about art and probably got just the answer they were looking for!)
catherine is a giant penis (Sorry Catherine.  You probably are.)
dead pigs (Legitimate, unfortunately.  Also includes photos of hotties though.)
“massive wee” (I’ll own this one.  Unlike the giant turds above which I will deny to my last breath.)
how to calm elderly man on a ventilator that is extremely agitated (I can’t think of one thing on here that would calm any agitated person.  Far too many references to toileting for a start.  The person searching for the “heart inside of a raindrop” brought the only lovely imagery this place has ever seen.

And my favourite one:

what happened to jade love the life you’re living blog australia

Let me tell you.

She always has her “are you fucking kidding me” face on, is constantly getting her bra cut off by nurses, has a propensity for writing about male gonads, and when not taking pictures of giant turds is busy working on her thesis tentatively titled Engineering Topiary.

She still inexplicably loves the life she’s living.

***

Thank you, dudes, for sticking around, reading my rubbish, leaving entertaining comments and sharing your own blogs with me.  I swear by the time I hit 10 years I’m gonna know how to use whatever it is kids use these days that isn’t MS-Paint.  CLIPART OR BUST!

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60 Comments Add yours

  1. redtoni says:

    I know just what you mean. I get searches for stuff like “flashers bless chicks” and “the big pool in the world” and a LOT of testicle queries. The last one was definitely my fault. Here’s a hint — NEVER use the word TESTICLE in a post title.
    Anyway congrats on your anniversary, keep em coming. You often make me think or laugh and both are equally welcome.
    PS for some reason WordPress now insists on calling me RedToni.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Dear RedToni, I did wonder who you were the first time you commented 😉
      I can’t even believe how many people are Googling for testicles! It’s just odd! Thank you for your lovely comment and for being such a nice blog friend 🙂

  2. Voted!
    Love your work. Congrats on 8 years.
    If ever I lose your URL I will just search for “jade cock balls birthday cake failure”.
    x Rhi

    1. jadeluxe says:

      I will definitely be the number one hit with that string. Unfortunately. Much love to my European counterpart (not Mary, the other one 😉

  3. I just voted. Good luck!

    I can’t seem to “like” you on Facebook. Mostly because I can’t find your page. I’m very bad at finding people on Facebook.

    I have some incredibly disturbing search terms that google directs to my blog. It is a view into my apparent psyche that I didn’t need or ask for.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thanks Shiftless. Far too many liking and voting requests in this one hey 😉 Anyway, the Facebook is here:
      https://www.facebook.com/pages/Jadeluxe/103386563087584

      How do these search terms even work? Isn’t it meant to be an exact mathematical algorithm or something?

      1. I have now “liked” successfully. I have no idea how any of this works. I used to be mildly tech-savy, back when programming was literally called “Basic,” but now I’m quickly becoming a fearful curmudgeon who thinks the internets will be the downfall of humanity.

        I am curious as to who searches “the coolest convenience store.” (a more mundane query that inexplicably led to my site.)

  4. mamamash says:

    Happy anniversary! Eight years. Wow. On average, how many “giant turds in toilets” did you post during that time?

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Hard to say, mamamash. Apparently I do a giant turd at least every day but I only photograph really meritorious ones 😉

  5. Surely Sarah says:

    Hysterical. I was reading while on the phone with a customer and nearly lost it. Thanks for the laughs 🙂

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thanks for the smiles from that comment, matey 🙂

  6. I can’t believe you’ve been blogging for 8 years. Aren’t you and your “are you fucking kidding me” face world famous by now? How did I just meet you?

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Bridget, it IS hard to believe I’m not world-famous with my demonstrably widely appealing content that hardly offends anyone! Especially lovers of genitalia and turd art! Really, it’s astonishing… I got my first notification from Technorati today though. Does that mean I’m famous?? I don’t know how it took us so long to meet, anyway, but I’m happy we did 🙂

  7. I got an SEO job once doing work for a strip club out of pittsburgh. Try working. I hope you start getting hits for “Ohio Valley Strippers” now.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      TITTIES

  8. I do love your diagram!!!

    And “Catherine is a giant penis” just killed me. Seriously.

    Happy EIGHT years, OMG. I don’t think I’ve ever stuck to anything for that long. Oh wait, I’ve been with the same man just past 8 years, thanks for the reminder!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Oh, that’s much better than a blog! Congrats! 🙂

  9. David Wiley says:

    You’ve been doing this for eight years, and that is quite impressive. I had to stop reading several times to keep from bursting out laughing. It would have been inappropriate for me to do so right now. But I am still laughing in my head. I can’t wait until my blog has been around enough to do a “Google is an Idiot” post of my own. I’m sure we all will have some gems.

    1. David Wiley says:

      Sorry for the double comment. This one didn’t appear earlier so I though the computer was being stupid. Maybe it was Google’s fault.

      1. jadeluxe says:

        HAHA, it was almost certainly Google’s fault. Everything that goes wrong on the internet is, obviously!

    2. jadeluxe says:

      It won’t take eight years to rack up – I get stupid search terms every day, you’ve probably got random ones you don’t even know about yet! Have a look…

  10. David Wiley says:

    Happy eight year blogoversary! I made the mistake of reading this during a training class for work. I had to stop reading, at least four times, and focus on boring things in order to keep myself from laughing out loud. I loved this post so much. My own blog is so young that I don’t have anything funny or even smirk-worthy to share, much less make an entire post out of. But I hope, one day, to make a post like this that is worthy of being read. Blog on!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      This is like a serious commendation! I feel seized with responsibility to keep making posts that are worthy of reading! Thank you, David, and you keep at it too 🙂

  11. Julia says:

    Congratulations on eight years! I love this compilation of hilariousness.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Cheers Julia, that’s lovely of you 🙂

  12. Karine says:

    Holy Crap, you’re hilarious!!! This was too funny! It actually brought tears to my eyes… laughing tears.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      As long as it didn’t induce a giant turd, I’m happy – apparently I am often linked with giant turds…

  13. This made me laugh so much. Somebody a few weeks ago on yeah write briefly mentioned the search terms that had led a few to their blog and how it made them seriously wonder about people. I completely agree with that. I thought some that I had gotten were weird, but they’re nothing compared to the ones that you’ve gotten. Crazy!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      I didn’t even post the most offensive ones! They were all just kind of repetitive anyway. Some people must just do the same sad searches night after night…losers… 😉

  14. Haha I’ve had some classic ones for my blog too, but they are all wildly inappropriate, and in some cases illegal.

    Gotta love the “are you fucking kidding me face.”

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Dude I can’t get through an hour without that face. Even in our wedding photos I look like that. Luckily my husband does too 😉

  15. Mayor Gia says:

    Hahahah oh search terms. 8 years is impressive! I think what your hubby thinks of your blog is my fave, it’s prob what Boyfriend would say about mine.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      For sure…every time I post he just shakes his head like “Did you really…” I think at the start there was a line in the sand and I just keep pushing it back and back… 😉

  16. I love me some google searches!! I’m at 8 months, I feel like such a freshman!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Yes, ya big freshie! (Is that what you call freshmen? Can you even say “freshmen”? I dunno, I’m from Australia 😉

  17. Eight years?! Very cool. And all of those search terms combined equal one awesome blog. Congratulations!

    PS – This was hilarious. No lie.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thanks Katie, you’re rad. It was like a pre-written blog post – cheers Google! 😉

  18. sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms says:

    Eight years! Color me impressed. And the Google gods must not like being called idiots because I had page loading errosr twice. 😉 Ellen

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Really? Googlidiots! Yes in hindsight calling a post “Google is an idiot” probably pushed my SEO stocks through the floor forever…

  19. You have so many searchy-things! (This is what those of us not blogging for 8 years call what you listed.) Congrats on the 8 years!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      I had so many search terms, I couldn’t even be bothered to read the whole list! Thanks for letting me be part of the new crowd 😉

  20. tara pohlkotte says:

    wow. happy eight years! love the list. too funny.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      It is a long time, but I don’t feel like I justified the 78,000 rude searches on my list! 😉 People are FREAKS. Not you of course. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

      1. tara pohlkotte says:

        whew. my heart stopped at freaks. now it’s back up. although, i may be hatching all sorts of searching schemes to get to you. mwhuhaha.

  21. Stephanie says:

    Ha! I love, love, love search term posts. Nobody found my blog through google at all until the last few weeks. Now it’s all “fat girls being abducted by aliens” and “shove your boobs in my face”. Your meme made me laugh out loud.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Yeah you would get some crackers!!! I wonder if there’s a niche porn market in what you do? 😉

  22. raisingivy says:

    Excellent! This was a perfect late-afternoon-with-iced-coffee read. Now I’m all wired up and feel suitably entertained.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      I’m very pleased to have entertained you; not so pleased you’ve really got me hankering for an iced coffee. Not an easy fix in this country. They just don’t know how to make it right here! 😉

  23. Delilah says:

    Haha! I get some doozy’s at my blog too. I’m not sure why so many people find my blog by googling “transvestite clothing” but I am vaguely alarmed by it.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      I don’t know, that’s the first thing that I think of when I picture a semi-domesticated mama 😉

  24. mamamzungu says:

    Ha! Just read another post entitled “Tivo is a dick” and I’m loving all this technology bashing given I have a likeOK-detest relationship with it all. I’m so unadept that I don’t even know how to check the searches people do to find my blog. THough it would probably contain pretty mundane things considering my readership contains enough family members to effectively censure anything too awesome. You have my vote! Great post!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Oh what, I need to read that post too – I don’t really understand what Tivo does but I’m sure it’s frustrating! Yeah I used to be a bit more censured because of family/friends/colleagues reading but gradually the walls have eroded and now it’s almost a free-for-all…meh… 😉

  25. I had someone find my blog once by googling the phrase “squashed dancing banana.” That’s when I knew I’d finally arrived.

  26. jadeluxe says:

    Oh girl you made it! 😉

  27. scribme says:

    Happy anniversary! I laughed out loud several times reading this post. What a great way to start my morning!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Oh, that makes me smile scribme! Thanks mate 🙂

  28. Search terms give me a laugh at least a few times a week. I try not to look anymore because I end up having to try it out on Google – just to see how far down on the search page people had to go to get my site. It’s pretty far sometimes – the REALLY wanted that link! Your phrases are a lot more creative than mine. Well done!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      What? I hadn’t even thought to do that yet! There goes another Friday night… 😉

  29. Ado says:

    You are amazing!
    This post had me giggling! I always get a laugh out of search terms.
    Congrats on our 8 years! WOW!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Hey thanks Ado! Love a post half-written by Google 😉

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