You know what’s a big problem in my life? That novelty shutter noise that my phone camera makes. Why do these people think we even have cameras on our phones if not to take covert photos of people to blog about later? Get it together, phone-making eggheads! Also the sooner you come up with some sort of portable tripod the better – I can’t tell you how many elusive shots I’ve missed while trying to creep stealthily behind someone and also keep my phone perfectly still with one hand while the other one pretends to look for something in my handbag. In fact a handbag with a build-in tripod/shoulder strap would really be ideal in terms of functional design. Now that I’m this far down the track it appears it would be easier if I just mounted a camera inside my bag, cut a discreet hole for my tiny but military-spec zoom lens, and got to upskirting already.
You can see from the pie-chart below, painstakingly graphed after hours spent gathering empirical data, that the wretched fake SHAZAMPHOTOPOP! noise is almost solely responsible for my blog posting frequency, which can most generously be described as “sporadic to rare”.
(There were a scattering of results found for laziness, lack of ideas, too much time wasted on Facebook, too much time wasted on watching documentaries about Will and Kate on YouTube etc, but they were negligible in comparison to the key factors illustrated above).
But seriously. It’s 2012. My phone is reasonably hi-tech. Of course if you’re reading this anytime from 2013 onwards, it’s not hi-tech anymore – Google reel-to-reel player or gramophone, it’s kind of like that only slightly more technologically developed, and it fits inside your pocket and you can send telegrams on it and shit. THANKS FOR NOTHING, PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE. For now though, it’s aight. I am also evolved enough as a human to realise that when I press the “take picture” button in the camera part of said reasonably predictable device, I am committing to taking a photo. I go to all the effort of manually turning the flash off, committing myself to minutes of toil later on re-lightening in the editing* process, only to be outed by a sound effect!
*editing rule of thumb: if it’s too dark to see what it is, saturate it arbitrarily until you can see what it is. If you can see what it is, leave that shit alone. It looks good.
Here are some potentially classic shots stymied by this epic flaw in phone design:
Her shirt says “RISE UP ON COMA, FORTUNATE”…
His shirt says ‘To play is to act like hapy…to act like hapy is to play!”
The big fail here is how almost reasonable this outfit looks. In real life it was simply repugnant. She was about 53! It was 2pm! But I needed less noise and more time to really frame this evocatively.
This one is quite psychological. I attempted to surreptitiously take a photo of a lady using a tripod and a hand-timer to take selfies at a merchandise stand at a local shopping mall. I know there must be a message here…
The riskiest photo I ever took. This is almost certainly the first time I saw a triad “big brother” or possibly even a “white paper fan”. He was surrounded by four “little brothers” who formed a loose mobile square around him. The only reason I’m still alive to write this post is because I hid across the street inside a bakery, behind a fortified wall of very stolid rye loaves, and used my superzoom. I don’t think it’s too far-fetched to imagine I would have been chopped on the spot if I had dared to take my SHAZAMPHOTOPOP! onto the street. I nearly do the job myself multiple times a day when I realise all the missed golden opportunities to showcase Hong Kong’s
sartorial misconception er culture.
This post brought to you NO THANKS TO SAMSUNG GALAXY.