The first job I ever had was in an establishment that fancifully called itself a gourmet fish and chippery.  It basically consisted of being a regular fish and chip shop with some rustic anchors hung on the wall.  The gourmet part was that the salad menu included a bowl of bright yellow sauce with some bean sprouts and potato slices floating in, which was optimistically called “gado gado”.  That’s Indonesian you know.  Gourmet.  And you could also buy jars of mussels off the counter (which had been bought that morning at Safeway and then marked up 50%).

Yabbies was run by a couple called Fred and Rob.

Fred was a terrifying beast who looked like an 19th-century circus strongman.  He wore a striped butcher’s apron and walked around violently sharpening two enormous filleting knives against each other.  It was his job to fillet all the fish, and he made it clear that he took an adjunct responsibility for filleting any staff members demonstrating damaging fiscally irresponsibility through the overly liberal application of chicken salt.

Maybe this actually is Fred.
I immediately did a defensive knife-block when the picture opened up
in my image search.

Rob was dwarfed by Fred in every sense – about 15 years younger, 1.5m shorter and 65kg lighter.  Rob wore little denim shorts and platform shoes with his Yabbies polo shirt.  His job was to design the menus and occasionally do some burger assemblage.

Rob working the bun station.

The most disturbing element of their relationship was that Fred picked up Rob when he was an employee at a school camp Rob went on when he was 12.  I know this is true because they told us.  Why would you tell anyone that?  It made me feel sick.  And this one time, Fred dropped a piece of whiting on the filthy dirty floor underneath the fryers, picked it up and slapped it “clean” against his apron and fried it and served it to a customer.  This also made me feel sick.  Though it’s completely irrelevant here.

So, when I was a couple of years older than Rob was when he was seduced by Fred, I got my very first job at this joint.  For two years I cut uniform potato wedges, shelled innumerable mussels, constructed perfect towering barramundi burgers, and did sundry other sous chef jobs while ostensibly employed as a cashier and being paid about $6 an hour.  It was a workplace that reeked of fear, exploitation, and unrefrigerated seafood products.  If Fred had gestured with a pointy paring knife for me to go down to the Moonee Valley Creek and fish out a yabbie with my bare hands, I would’ve done it.  I never complained about my cheap yellow polo shirt, garishly embroidered with an electric blue yabbie on the right boob, that retained the fishy stench no matter how many times it was scrubbed. We were a crew of about 15 local kids in the shittiest job in Moonee Ponds.  If FML was a thing then, we were totally manifesting it.

And no-one was many-years-pre-emptively thinking FML more than me when I was SACKED for allegedly swearing at a customer.  All the evidence points to this being a factual circumstance (ie I love swearing, I hate customers and…people) but believe it or not it’s not actually my style to get my fuck on in front of ‘stomers.  A vindictive assistant manager reported the outrageous accusation to Rob, who ordered me upstairs to the den he shared with Fred above the store.  There I cowered in abject terror all by myself as Fred sacked me out-of-hand and then stood over me and bellowed for 10 minutes.  When he let me go I fled downstairs to collect my things (silver Mambo satchel, early model Discman – see 1995), whereupon I was told I couldn’t exit by the front door lest I galvanised my co-workers to my cause on my way out through the restaurant.  Instead I was dumped unceremoniously out the back through the loading bay.  At 8pm on a Friday night.  There I stood, in the unlit warren of back alleys that wends its way behind Puckle Street, weeping, too scared to walk out of the lanes into the safety of the street lights and pay phones of Puckle Street proper.

After my parents were dissuaded from attempting to take on Fred in the most unfairly matched street fight in the history of hand-to-hand combat, we hit upon the cleverer idea of consulting my godfather Shane, who conveniently is an industrial relations lawyer.  The next day, a letter was couriered to Yabbies advising them of my intention to contest the dismissal at the Industrial Relations Commission.  On the appointed date, we all turned up.  The Yabbies lawyer (and how’s that for an inhouse counsel position to aspire for) immediately took Shane to one side and attempted to conspiratorially engage him in a pre-hearing settlement with a line Dennis Denuto would later wish he thought of: “I’m sure we both have bigger fish to fry.”

F3?  What the fuck is that?

Shane coolly rejoined, “I don’t, actually” and then proceeded to take up the cudgels for downtrodden gourmet fish and chippers everywhere, and for JUSTICE.  In one of the most straightforward hearings ever, we won.  Fred and Rob were ordered to back-pay me for the two months which had elapsed since my termination, plus another $1,000 gratis payment, and give me a glowing reference highlighting in particular my expertise with the lemon-wedging machine.  They were also forced to reinstate me whereupon I resigned, gloriously, on the front steps of the Commish.  The $1,000 would have taken me 183 months to earn as an actual employee of their under-paying establishment, and I quickly realised the value of litigation over hard work.  Since that day I’ve been a militant unionist and can be found every afternoon soliciting passersby to make a small tax-deductible donation towards my quarterly publication, Fish and Chip Workers Unite: Don’t Get Fried.

In conclusion: happy birthday to Shane, champion of unfairly dismissed god-daughters everywhere 🙂


23 Comments Add yours

  1. Rhi says:

    You have the BEST resume! Love it. I know that type of fish and chip shop too well… My brother worked in one that was also “gormay” – they put pesto in their crumb mix to make “pesto-crumbed-barramundi”. It looked a bit green.

    And now I have to go and watch The Castle again, I love every single quote from that movie. Ahhh, homesick, once again.
    X Rhi

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Wayne: How’s Mum?
      Dale: Good.
      Wayne: How’s Dad?
      Dale: Good.
      Wayne: How’s Trace?
      Dale: Good.
      Wayne: How’re you?
      Dale: Good.
      Wayne: How’s Steve?
      Dale: He’s alright.
      Wayne: Good.
      Dale: [narration] Even though he’s the oldest and I’m the youngest, we get on great. We can just chat for hours.
      Wayne: Thanks for coming, Dale.
      Dale: You want some chewy?
      Wayne: Nah.

      1. Rhi says:

        Dale dug a hole

  2. Birdman says:

    Great story, I guess those places exist in any country. I thought it was just here in Canada. Most of what you wrote made me feel pukey, so I know it was good.

    If you’re on Google+, go to
    and add us to your circles, so that we can share your stories over there.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      I passed the puke test, yessssss!

  3. Azara says:

    “I love swearing, I hate customers and…people” – Me too. Working in fast food and retail encouraged me to work hard in school, so I could get a job that did not involve working with customers. Little did I know virtually every job involves customers (and people). If only I had been born independently wealthy. I’m very impressed that you fought your firing! I think these little places just count on their staff not being able or willing to fight back.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      It’s really hard to have a job when you hate people. I fully understand 🙂

  4. L.A. Vandewart says:

    A story like this is exactly what I needed today. After experiencing a huge debacle involving a very grumpy customer, who just happened to be a secret shopper, and who just happened to hate every bit of the outstanding service I attempted to give her, so much so that she gave me a 55% on my shop, which resulted in the corporate powers-that-be admonishing me for my inability to remove the large stick that was protruding from the customer’s arse. Thanks for sharing!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      That is so shitty! Secret shopping is a terrible idea. I’ve been “done” by a secret shopper in another stupid job once. Some people just can’t be pleased. Sorry you had such a crappy experience 😦 If they have a shop and you want me to go over there and give them a crap rating reciprocally, I’m so happy to…

  5. iasoupmama says:

    I don’t think we completely understand the insanity of situations like this until we’re enough past it that we can recognize how ludicrous it really was. I had one restaurant job — when my manager handed me my first paycheck, he said, “Better deposit this right away. Payroll’s been known to bounce…” WTF?

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Haha…what? I once worked for a pretty big corporate florist but the boss used to complain every fortnight about paying me before reaching into the actual till and grabbing some money and putting it in an envelope. What? Ah the shitty jobs you have to do to get anywhere! 😉

  6. padenw says:

    I am at a new job and I got this email and I am DYING of laughter trying to contain myself.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      So, I hope the job’s in Asia…

  7. Everyone has to have at least one crappy job with a boss you just couldn’t make up if you tried!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      For sure! I seem to have had a few. Alternative theory: lots of bosses are crappy? You have to be crappy to be a boss? (Except mine! Mine is wonderful…!)

  8. You know, I used to think my last boss was bad. Thanks for putting it into perspective for me.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Happy my terrible boss trumped yours – that’s one positive! 🙂

  9. What a story! It seems unreal. Glad you got justice in the end, hooray!

    1. jadeluxe says:

      You’re right, reading back on it it DOES seem unreal. What a situation.

  10. Angela Ryan says:

    Love that you admit to hating customers … and people. 🙂 There were great details here, and I love the images you selected for the story. They enhance the whole story and add some excellent humor.

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Thanks Angela. Yep, I’m a hater…but I’m honest about it 🙂

  11. mamamzungu says:

    YAY!! So glad to see you again at yeahwrite – I’ve been missing you!! Mainly for gems like: “It was a workplace that reeked of fear, exploitation, and unrefrigerated seafood products” This piece was fantastic. I had to read it twice in case any of your well worded witticisms escaped me the first time. 😉 I’ve waited tables from more years than I care to admit and the “back of the house” is usual a depot for crazies, but your situation sounds extra special. But I can’t believe you won the case against them. I guess it helps to have counsel with nothing better to do and justice on your side! (though I’m wondering how you proved that you did NOT swear at a customer…)

    1. jadeluxe says:

      Mama, you know what, I think yeahwrite is onto something…I never finished the story, maybe I don’t understand how narrative works! 😉 Actually originally I did finish the story but it pushed me way over 1,000 words. The thing is, if you knew me at the age of 14-15, you’d see straightaway how ludicrous the charge was. I was one of those straight-A, rules-bound teenagers who wouldn’t dream of swearing at a customer. The assistant manager who reported that I had was in fact upset because I’d rejected his advances. The industrial relations member hearing the case immediately instructed them to reinstate me. Even without evidence, it was just so stupid.

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