Football, the greatest game in the world, is back. If you’re a bred Melburnian, you’re pretty happy about this. Even if you’re fighting with sticks in the creek of a fishing village in Asia, you’re still rolling in your $2 handknitted kit from Lorne Ladies Auxiliary Op Shop, and you’re feeling awesome.
Zadie so far only likes one game, the grand final, and only the bit where they release all the streamers at the end. Rufus likes all the games, which works out well because we do too. What doesn’t work out quite so well is him having OCD and also being 6. It means he spends literally the whole game asking who every player is, where they were recruited from, what their birthday is, how tall they were when they were 6, their head circumference, how many goals they kicked in the same game in the previous year, etc.
Do you have a kid like this too? You have to make them a teams book. That’s a book with all the teams, innit – each list, with player numbers, and then the fixture so they can highlight who won for future reference.
2012’s amateurish version, mainly copy-and-pasted from various newspapers.
2013’s more deluxe edition, with COLOUR LASER-JET PRINTING (up to 14 teams, then the ink ran out; not shown), properly formatted columns, and even a map of the field positions.
Incidentally it seems in 2013 I finally learned to make a photo grid.
Can you even imagine what I can do with the Teams Book 2014?
1. Create the doc.
2. Print out the pages.
3. Get a folder with plastic sleeves.
4. Put that shit in there.
5. Hand to your kid.
6. Never answer an irritating question all year as you watch every game (of the Blues’ march to premiership glory) in peace, free to analyse the play without having to remember who is number 18 for the Dockers or who is Richmond’s assistant
frucking coach. I’m pretty sure even the Richmond rucks struggle to muster up much interest in that.
If you want me to send you the file for this year, let me know. Then you only have to print it, chuck it at your kid, flick on the teev, and DA DA-DA DA-DA!